She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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