a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
