Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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