Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
