never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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