Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
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