Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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