Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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