Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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