Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
