woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
