She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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