put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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