Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
