this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
