I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
