I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
