I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
