his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
