I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
