Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
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