So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
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