So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
