even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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