this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize