Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
