I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
