Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Randomize
