don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
