I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I need to calm my uterus...
Randomize
