I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Randomize
