I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Pants are for mortals
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize