community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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