Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Randomize
