he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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