I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
