i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
