it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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