There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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