The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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