We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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