Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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