Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
