I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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