i already hear my dad disowning me
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
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