I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
