I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
