Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
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