Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
