i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
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