It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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