I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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