What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I love you.
Bad choice
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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