Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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