3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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