Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I want her autograph on my taint
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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