He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
